For Self Centeredness: Stop feeling bad about your lack of volunteerism and me-first lifestyle. All you need to do is buy these yummy Girl Scout cookies. You helped Girl Scouts. That is so great of you, isn’t it? You rock! Now if you share them you might even be popular too. Better get an extra box!
For Melodrama No need to ham it up. Just slap some Bacon Strip Bandages on your wounds and get on with it. Bacon makes everything better. Visible wounds not required.
For Guilt: So you haven’t been to synagogue since seventh grade… Quit kvetching and start texting your grandma. She’s worried about you. Kosher your keyboard with this Chosen Keyboard sticker kit. Perfect for Members of the Tribe and anyone who’d like to hang with them.
For Exhaustion: Be a Pepper. Without drinking Dr Pepper. Dr Pepper Lip Balm on sale at Sephora.
For Impatience: No time to file? Too tedious? You need these File folders from Bob’s Your Uncle. No wonder you always finish first! Now go have a beer.
For Boredom: Who said it was boring being a new parent? So what if the baby cannot talk to you yet. You can have lots of fun making elaborate patterns on this heat sensitive color changing bottle with your baby. Or you could interpret the patterns like a tea leaf reader. Best to know now if you need to save for medical school.
For Anxiety: Bad breath is one less thing you need to worry about with these two-part breath mint/pills. It’s comforting knowing that Chili Dogs are back on the menu, isn’t it?
For Nostalgia: Remember riding your bike helmetless, piling into the back of the station wagon and licking the raw egg batter off of the spoon? Well you can’t do that any more. But you can run around the block barefoot with these pyrotechnical sparkly wonders. At least until someone loses an eye.
For Revenge: Payback Postcards. Sent to the Office, distributed via the mailroom and hopefully seen by as many people as possible. These Postcards are sure to make their day… or yours!
For Paranoia: If you are being shadowed, you can handle it. Preserve your anonymity and your hairstyle with this old fashioned fabulous Wool Fedora. Mystery solved.
