I Prescribe: Muffin Top Pan

For: Muffin stump haters

Prescriber’s Notes: Usually muffin tops are made with a steady diet of fast food and a pair of too tight, too low-rise jeans.  Now you can cook up a muffin top everyone will want…just don’t eat the whole batch yourself, or you will also get the aforementioned, undelicious-type muffin top.

I Prescribe: P.I.N.K. Fitness System

For: getting a bikini bod, training to be a cage fighter or a Real Housewife of New Jersey (those bitches kick ass!)

Prescriber’s Notes: You love the name (PINK! how girly!), now love what it can do for you. Waaaay cheaper and more convenient than a gym membership. To get immediate gratification, all you need is a TV, a DVD player, one Benjamin, and some serious motivation and willpower. You can do it. Get buff and tough. Just like those housewives.

I Prescribe: Celebrity Weight Scale

For: Weighty Issues, Anorexia, The Bigger Loser losers

Prescriber’s Notes: So how fat are you really? It’s all relative isn’t it? And what’s in a number? Numbers are hard to picture. But Mr. Ed and Gizmo? There’s some units of measurement you can wrap your brains around.

I Prescribe: Spanx Hide and Seek Full Bodysuit

For: Post-baby Body blues, Gluttony, High School Reunion, Special Event

Prescriber’s Notes: The new summer clothes are in stores and you’re still hanging on to those last 10 pounds you meant to lose already. You’re having dinner with friends from college – they haven’t had 2 kids, they don’t understand the post-baby body. It’s all good. Throw on the body suit under your clothes and you’ll be sucked in and looking good. No worries about back fat and “thunder thighs”, you’re looking good.

I prescribe: Celestial Seasonings Peppermint Tea

For: Nausea, appetite control, coffee breath

Prescriber’s Notes: Tea isn’t just for your old English grannie! I happen to be going to tea parties two weekends in a row. Hey, I’m not complaining- the cute cucumber sandwiches, delish scones, and exotic tea is nothing to sneeze at. But I discovered another benefit of tea: it makes you eat way less. As soon as my friend Dana revealed that little tidbit to me, I started drinking more tea. And it works!

I Prescribe: Love Fifi Latex Power Cincher

For: Crime, Punishment, Instant Gratification

Prescriber’s Note: Is “blech” an emotion worthy of a Retail Therapy RX? With the economy in the stinker and healthy eating being ridiculously more expensive than Ho-Hos and Chef Boyardee, the Cincher is SURE to lift your spirits – just look at the POWER of this baby! I mean, look at all the features! Couple it with a pair of lace up butterfly panties from the same site and some kickin patent leather stilettos and blech becomes ble…WOW! Fat-feeling be gone!

I Prescribe: Slimwear Body Cream by Soap & Glory

For: Pre-Caribbean Vacation Jitters, Wall Floweritis, Swimsuit Season Anxiety

Prescriber’s Notes: It’s okay if you don’t want to stand out in a crowd, especially if you feel like your cottage cheesy thighs are what is drawing the unwanted attention. Sometimes you just need a little back-up. With Slimwear, stand a little taller – and a little firmer.