I Prescribe: Coleman Portable Rechargeable Blender

For: Class Camping Trip Martyrs, Fear of the not so great outdoors, Picnics with inlaws

Prescriber’s Notes: Are you afraid to go where no Margarita can go? You can take it with you with this Coleman Blender. Bugzapper, Snakebite kit, and Satellite phone sold separately.

I Prescribe: Astrobot Glow in the Dark Tee

For: Vasectomy Patients, Feeling impotent, Fear of the dark

Prescriber’s Notes: Don’t be childish. You’re still a man. A big strong man. Very strong. Very potent. Big strong man like you will never need viagra. Big strong man have rocket in his pocket. And Glow in the Dark rocket on his tee too. Now he need never be jealous of the kids anymore. Or make any more kids. From here on out it’s all play. Win win.

I Prescribe: Ikea Food Storage Containers

For: Guilt, Disgust, Unidentified Food Object fears

Prescriber’s Notes: Do leftovers put you in a tailspin. Angel on your shoulder says “Eat them! It’s thrifty! It’s the right thing to do!” while the devil hisses “what the hell is that slop in the stained old take and toss container anyway? Give it to the dog and get yourself some proper takeout!”  Keep that fear of food poisoning at bay and save on groceries/takeout.

I Prescribe: Transparent Canoe/Kayak

For: Subconscious issues, Deep Seated Fears, Paranoia, The Willies

Prescriber’s Notes: Did you freak out when you saw Jaws the first time? Do your bad dreams involve water. Do you spend all your Kayaking hours wondering what’s swimming under you? Enjoy peace of mind and a great view in your own personal “glass bottomed boat”. Note, if you see a shark, paddle faster.

I Prescribe: Japanese Pill Towels

For: Landlocked Mermaids, Aquaphobia, Disaster Prevention

Prescriber’s Notes: These tiny but powerful towels sure do come in handy if you are a mermaid who lives in fear of a random raindrop revealing your scaly true identity. They pair well with this retail therapy umbrella, prescribed for intrepid urban dwellers. With the help of these items, even Madison, from the film Splash, could adjust to live in the big city.

I Prescribe: Swedish Steel Firestarter

For: Feelings of Inadequacy, Paranoia, Fear of the apocalypse

Prescriber’s Notes: Sometimes it is the little things that matter. Like food, water, shelter. Me make big fire. You be fine. Of course you could carry a lighter, but where’s the romance in that?

I Prescribe: EBK SuperHero Cape

For: Prolonging childhood, Problem solving, Fear of things under the bed

Prescriber’s Notes: When you are a kid you believe in magic. Then you grow up and realize there is no such thing. But then you have kids, and for a moment or two, if you are really lucky, you believe again. The bed is a spaceship. The monster aliens are not going to defeat you, you really can zap them into the black hole behind the closet. A proper hero needs the proper props. Don’t try that Alien zapping without the cape.

I Prescribe: Magic Razorless Hair Remover

For: Wallet Woes, Fear of Pain, Bringing Sexy Back

Prescriber’s Notes: Forget about pulling a bunny out of a hat, there’s a new magic hare hair trick in town!  Give your man the ultimate Valentine’s Day surprise in under 10 pain-free minutes (and for less than $4 bucks), this stuff really is magic!