I Prescribe: Spotty Sock Pig

For: Agoraphobia, Lonliness, Germophobia

Prescriber’s Notes: Is the fear of Swine Flu keeping you housebound? You’d clutch a friend if only you were not filled with fear that they were already infected. Sock Pig to the rescue. He’ll keep you company till that H1N1 vaccine kicks in!

I Prescribe: Beverage Buttonz

For: Stemless wine glass lovers, Germophobes, Territorial Drinkers

Prescribers Notes: It’s easy to distinguish your stemware with wine charms, but…what if your crystal is sans stem?  Where you gonna stick that useless wine charm now?  Beverage Buttonz will stake your claim on your cup.  Keep your handz off my drinkz.

I Prescribe: Kelly Hughes Personalized Melamine Plates and Matching Placemats

For: Food-aggressive peeps, territorial eaters, divas

Prescriber’s Notes: Pick a design that screams “you” and put your monogram on it. Get the placemat too. How else are you going to let your family know that you’ve marked your food territory? I guess you could lick your food or sneeze on it to keep the moochers away, but why do that when you can have this pretty placesetting? Stylish AND practical!

I Prescribe: Go Girl

For: Manning up, Germophobia, Being prepared

Prescriber’s Notes: How many times have you been jealous of the dudes for not having to sit on skanky toilet seats and being able to take a leak… pretty much anywhere. Well now you can too! This device takes being prepared to a whole new level. You may not be able to write your name in the snow using it, but you can avoid catching something terrifying, and squatting in a patch of poison ivy. Hallelujah.

Prescribe: Barefoot Dreams Bamboo Chic Bathrobe

For: Premeditated Breakdowns, Poetic Self Pity, Germ o phobia

Prescriber’s Notes: Everyone around you sick? Been Dumped? Had all you can take and then some? Regular Robes are mere coverups and can’t be counted on to treat you properly. You need full strength cozy. The kind of cozy that you wear for an entire weekend. It’s antimicrobial so you don’t even have to be icked out at the prospect. Pairs perfectly with bedhead and tabloids.

I Prescribe: Cyber Clean Keyboard Cleaner

For: Indiscretion, Germophobia, Regret

Prescriber’s Notes: Some things can’t be swept under the rug. You did the deed, you messed up. You’re paying the price. It’s not easy living without the shift key, is it? Clean up your act and redeem yourself. Maybe keep the crumble cake away from the laptop as well?