I Prescribe: Penthouse Potty

For: Lazyness, Impatience,  One upping the Cat

Prescriber’s Notes: This ain’t no stinking kitty litter box. This is an urban doggies dream patch of grass. Also an urban dog owners dream solution to long leaky treks down to the street at unpleasant hours. How civilized.

I Prescribe: Trendi Kid Trunki Ride On Suitcase

For: Lazy kids, thrill-seekers, travel survival

Prescriber’s Notes: Pull your children through airports and hotel lobbies like royalty! Your lazy diva may decide to weight the back end of her Trendi Kid Trunki Ride On Suitcase so that she can pop wheelies while harnessing her pink suitcase carriage to you, her own personal pack mule.

I Prescribe: Plush Aquarium

For: Fish killers, Algaephobes, lazy pet owners

Prescriber’s Notes: Every fish you toss into your aquarium meets a premature death. What?! You can’t be expected to remember to feed them and clean the tank! You have a life and better stuff to do than be responsible for other living things. Ugh. Those damn fish are so demanding! Plush pets make the best pets cause they won’t pester you for care, feeding or die on you and force you to waste more of your precious time removing their floating carcass from the tank.

I Prescribe: Habit Former Cards

For: Self Loathing, Quiet Desperation, New Trick Loving Old Dogs

Prescriber’s Notes: It’s a simple concept. You do something enough times, and eventually it becomes a routine/habit. These handy cards prompt you to develop better office & household habits and be less of a lazy slovenly pig. The thing is, you have to remember to take them out of the box, read them, and put them away. We have no prescription for this part of the problem, so these may not be for you if you can’t handle that part. In this case, we recommend an old fashioned butler.

I prescribe: Furreal Friends Pets

For: Laziness, Poophobia, Allergies

Prescriber’s Notes: Kids bugging you for a pet, but you feel like your kids are pet-like enough? If you don’t want to feed and pick up poop for yet another living creature, get ‘em a Furreal Friend. Choose from puppies, kittens, lions, tigers, bears-oh my!- and more. Damn, I wish that I’d seen that Furreal Friend guinea pig before I got the living, breathing, squeaking, high maintenance poop machines for my girls.